And before that...

So funny, a couple hours after writing that "i need something very very much, I just don't know what it is" thing I thought I found perfectly precisely exactly what I needed, which was one blissful night with this animal:

Last night after I got back from dinner, houseguest Ryan Murphy (whom you may recall, Rules) and I heard what sounded like a puppy being tortured somewhere outside my apartment. And I looked out the window and couldn't see anything but it was so loud and such an unholy noise, such a truly upsetting sound, that I took my ass downstairs with my keys and set out to confront whoever it was perpetrating such sick perpetrations on some poor animal.

What I saw instead was this rabid rat twisting and flailing at the entrance of my building. And to such a degree was the sound emanating from it Not Good, and the size and color and general violence of it Also Not Good, that my impression of the scene really and honestly was, "my god, what does that rabid ferret want with this building, and how will I defuse it." It was a peculiar thought.

Then a few seconds later I realized it was a very small baby puppy dog with its head stuck in one of the circular sections of the wrought iron door on the front of my building. And its teeth shone so whitely and its sound was still so intimidating that I still couldn't think what to do... get any of my body anywhere close to its head and i figured it would be hastily dispatched to the upset creature's waiting stomach.

But I slowly approached it, asking it to please not bite me and offering freedom in exchange for that favor. And then i realized I could reach around the body side of the animal through the wrought iron without getting my hand anywhere near its formidable mouth. So I pet its back a little and asked it to calm down, and it did. It calmed down. And allowed me to touch its head.

Then some male neighbors came out and helped push the ears through, and the animal was free, and here's my favorite part, here's the reason I thought this was going to be a very good thing for my soul... the animal, this very small and now obviously very skinny and moments ago very frightened and uncomfortable animal walked around to each of us and thanked us with some licks to the hands and a nuzzle with her broad wrinkly forehead.

There was no fucking way I was not bringing that dog inside.

So she came up and stayed in my bed with me for the night, and I knew the whole time I would take her to the shelter this morning and I knew I had to, I knew i can't keep a dog, both legally in my apartment and also just logistically, but I also knew the dog would be fine in a shelter because she would be picked up immediately due to acute Cuteness.

The dog Lit Up My Life. She LOVED love. She wanted nothing more than to be held and stroked and praised and told everything would be ok, and I wanted nothing more than to give her all of that. And i thought to myself "funny that i had mentioned earlier that I need something, i think this is what i needed." I just needed to engage in that kind of love, and especially i needed to be needed in that desperate and unequivocal way. And I needed to offer something that good, that needed, to something. I remember lying there half awake and thinking "I just needed to experience god like this, this was all I needed" and I was Blissed The Fuck Out. I had a little god in my bed and the exchange was totally, forgive my hyperbole, but no, it's no hyperbole, it was totally utterly transcendent. I honestly don't think I've ever felt so good in my entire life.

--

Waking up was hard, knowing what was coming, but I remained practical and I woke up and went straight to the computer to find the shelter and some instructions. By this point it was clear that a) this was a pit bull b) this pit bull had a limp c) this pit bull was very, very extremely scrawny and starved and yet still had the faint smell of some sort of Home, it didn't smell like the streets, and it had some scars on its nose. And to me, that all added up to: This dog was being trained to fight, was being starved into anger, was being batted on the nose in provocation, and this animal was still FULL OF FUCKING LOVE. There was nothing but love coming from this puppy. It was pure.

I'll spare you the hour or so of phone calls that led to me figuring out where to go with her, but suffice it to say that I had to lie about where i found her. The only other option was to put her back outside and let Los Angeles take its course, and I couldn't. I knew if I took her to the shelter there was a very good chance she'd be put to sleep, but I just realized that a painless death was not the worst thing that could happen to this animal, and that we'd had a good night, she had a lot of love, and in the big scheme of things, this was really the only thing that could be done within reason.

So I took her to the pound, still feeling good, a little bit sad but in general knowing thatI had still helped the animal and that we'd had a great night and given each other beautiful gifts, and then i got to the fucking shelter.

And i heard dogs wailing. And i was ignored, even though i was the only person in there, by three people (two cops), for about ten minutes. And then one cop asked me a question, and I answered it, and he stared me in the eye trying to intimidate me into admitting that i was lying about something. And then a businesslike woman came and took the dog, this sleeping, little beanbag of a puppy with the big eyes and the floppy ears and the nuzzling and the pure unadulterated uncorrupted love just leaking from it at every joint, she took her out of my arms without really telling me she was going to, and fuck me, but i started bawling.

And then, this asshole, this MOTHERFUCKER in a cop uniform, this self-important cock with about 3 degrees emotional temperature to his name, who i KNOW was just doing his job and has every reason to distrust someone who brings an abused dog to his shelter, and who has probably seen more pain than I could ever handle says:

"That's an awful lot of tears for a dog you just picked up last night, Miss."

And looked at me pointedly. And I said, still crying, "I'm sorry, it's a very cute dog and it spent the night in my bed last night... are you accusing me of something?" And then he just silently completed whatever business we had to complete and that was it. No real instructions, no real indication that our business was overwith, no explanation of what happened next, and I was supposed to just walk out of there. "Can i make a donation for the dog?" I asked... i had been all excited in the car ride over that i was going to donate $200 so she could be spayed and get her first shots on me and be that much more adoptable... and he said "donation box is right there." But i didn't have any cash, and they wouldn't take credit cards.

"OK, well thank you for your help" i said, and i walked out, and then I pretty much just wanted to die.

And it's gotten worse and worse all day.