And before that...

So there's this dude, we'll call him the Hazard Light-Equipped Vigilante Traffic Justice Dispenser. He lives in Arlington, and I've gotten stuck behind him maybe once or twice. Normally on small roads -- but this morning I saw him on the highway. It didn't go too well for him.

Here's the deal with the Hazard Light-Equipped Vigilante Traffic Justice Dispenser. He has hazard lights. He has LOTS of hazard lights. The normal factory dispensation of hazard lights is just not enough for the Hazard Light-Equipped Vigilante Traffic Justice Dispenser. In addition to those located in the front and rear of his car, there is an additional set in the rear window, and an extra set atop the vehicle. They are not just hazard lights I guess, as they also make quite a commotion when the Hazard Light-Equipped Vigilante Traffic Justice Dispenser is about to execute a complicated turn maneuver, such as a "right" or a "left."

The Hazard Light-Equipped Vigilante Traffic Justice Dispenser drives at a leisurely pace. From the few times that I've encountered him, my observation is that his pace is always exactly five miles per hour less than the posted speed limit. That's fine, because the Hazard Light-Equipped Vigilante Traffic Justice Dispenser looks kinda old, and old people drive slow. I can dig it. However, the Hazard Light-Equipped Vigilante Traffic Justice Dispenser does not like to be passed, even when there are adequate lanes provided for other trafficians to do just that. The Hazard Light-Equipped Vigilante Traffic Justice Dispenser seems pretty hell bent on converting the rest of us to his leisurely driving ways.

Well... "leisurely driving ways" might be a bit of a stretch. Because the Hazard Light-Equipped Vigilante Traffic Justice Dispenser is not at all at leisure behind the wheel. He is alert. Ever-vigilant. On the Job. And that job is the dispensation of traffic justice to all trafficians who cannot seem to get with his Rules of the Road. Fuck the law... the Hazard Light-Equipped Vigilante Traffic Justice Dispenser is not concerned with the legislation of a corrupt society that has succumbed to such sins as right turns on red, 25 MPH "fly bys" on residential roads, and "passing."

Let's take an imaginary ride in our imaginary vehicle, directly behind the Hazard Light-Equipped Vigilante Traffic Justice Dispenser. Let's even go right ahead and take him on the highway, like he was this morning.

When we first encounter the Hazard Light-Equipped Vigilante Traffic Justice Dispenser, he is traveling at 50 MPH in the left lane of an I-66 knuckle; the posted speed limit is 55 MPH.

The right lane is clogged with trafficians who are confused by the Hazard Light-Equipped Vigilante Traffic Justice Dispenser's impressive display of lighting equipment, currently inactive. These trafficians, or at least the one at the front of the line, is/are confused by a probable display of justice dispensation they have witnessed before we arrived on the scene, and are under the impression that the Hazard Light-Equipped Vigilante Traffic Justice Dispenser possesses some sort of legal authority. While they are slowly passing him on the right by traveling at 55 MPH, probably reasoning (foolish mortals) that it is within their rights to travel at 55 MPH on this road this sunny day, there are too many cars who are interested in being in front of the Hazard Light-Equipped Vigilante Traffic Justice Dispenser to all pass him on the right before their patience wears thin.

Inevitably, a renegade traffician approaches the Hazard Light-Equipped Vigilante Traffic Justice Dispenser from the rear. He drives perilously close behind, less than two full car lengths.

BEHOLD! The Hazard Light-Equipped Vigilante Traffic Justice Dispenser's Generous Overdispensation of Hazard Light Equipment blazes fiercely-- pulsating. intimidating. WARNING. In concert, his brake lights pump furiously. The blinding speed of the Hazard Light-Equipped Vigilante Traffic Justice Dispenser's travel is further reduced by 5 miles per hour.

Mission accomplished. The predator traffician backs off to two full car lengths. We watch as he briefly considers the situation. "I suppose I will just have to pass him on the right" he thinks, and his turn signals indicate same. However, traffic in the right hand lane is tight as far as the rear view mirror can see, and unyielding at 55 MPH due to the one traffician at the helm who is either frightened of the Hazard Light-Equipped Vigilante Traffic Justice Dispenser's authority, or is simply exercising his or her right to travel 55 MPH on a 55 MPH road.

The predator traffician re-evaluates. Does the Hazard Light-Equipped Vigilante Traffic Justice Dispenser have some sort of binding legal authority to impede the flow of traffic? "No," he thinks. "No, he does not." He applies pressure to the gas pedal, soon coming in at under 1.5 full car lengths behind the Hazard Light-Equipped Vigilante Traffic Justice Dispenser.

The Hazard Light-Equipped Vigilante Traffic Justice Dispenser FREAKS.

Blood is curdling, knuckles are whitening, and after a dizzying display of light-flashing, the Hazard Light-Equipped Vigilante Traffic Justice Dispenser is in the righthand lane. This, one may reason, is the Hazard Light-Equipped Vigilante Traffic Justice Dispenser's version of defensive driving. "That hooligan was riding my ass so hard I had to lower my Principled Driving guard and get out of his way! He's lucky I'm such a safe, defensive driver and got out of his way, or we'd all be in QUITE a pickle, wouldn't we?"

The predator traffician accelerates and is gone.

Seconds later, a new predator emerges. A white acura, whom the Hazard Light-Equipped Vigilante Traffic Justice Dispenser just violently cut off in his mad frenzy to escape harm, is now interested in using the recently freed lefthand lane to pass the Hazard Light-Equipped Vigilante Traffic Justice Dispenser.

The Hazard Light-Equipped Vigilante Traffic Justice Dispenser FREAKS.

As the acura pulls out from behind him, the Hazard Light-Equipped Vigilante Traffic Justice Dispenser lets loose one riproaring display of Hazard and Brake Light Show, in effect communicating "HOW DARE YOU PULL OUT FROM BEHIND ME AND GO FASTER THAN ME IN THAT OTHER LANE? WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?"

Then that's all we see because we're in the left lane too, behind the white acura, speeding off to the toll road to get to work.

Until next time.

The moral of the story is: Can you fucking imagine what that motherfucker's stools look like?

One more thing: Jason Huddo solved the cubaboy dilemma: "I say give each side half the boy. (then the true guardian will say, "please, god let Them have the boy give them my half, too!" then my decision will be for all the boy to go that side because they were willing, you see, to give up their half.)"