And before that...

This is a Mary Chen CONSUMER ALERT.

I tend to clog kitchen drains. I'm not proud, it's just.. it's what happens when you don't equip me with a garbage disposal. OK? IS THAT OK WITH YOU? Ok anyway, i clogged mine good this past year. I tend to clog them up worse because I get this huge guilt thing about pouring chemicals down my drain just because i can't seem to get rid of all the gunk in my pans before washing them.. i guess i'm like "why should the people's drinking water suffer just cause I'm a lazy sack of shit?" So i let it fester until it starts really backing up and smelling and then i realize it's not just going to magically rinse away and I go to the supermarket and buy some chemicals and all gone, yay!

So this time i went to the supermarket and got the new FOAMING products that are all the rage this year, because they don't just clean the clog, they FOAM UP and they clean the WALLS of your pipes, so that the WALLS are clean. Do you see what i'm saying? I mean, i want the WALLS of my pipes to be clean. I mean what if the pope comes over for dinner or something and wants to do this crazy party trick where you drink water as it comes up out of your drain and then spit it all over his vestments.. i don't want to sully his vestments with my dirty bad pipe walls.

So i dropped like 3 packets of foamy bleachy stuff down my drain and the dang thing was not clearing up, and i started to believe that this time, i had really done it, i had clogged that fucker so bad that no chemical could bust through it. I was gonna have to call a plumber, and i was going to have to explain to him how irresponsible I was. I was gonna have to pay some big ruffian (and pay him well) to come in and dig out my pipes, and he was gonna lecture me, and blah blah blah, and i'm already so burdened with the the guilt of this clog... so i asked around and found out that what i needed was a "snake." And i went to the pet store and i asked if they had clog-eating snakes. I'M KIDDING. You really think i'm stupid don't you. Ass. Anyway I went down to the hardware store and i bought me a snake with a fancy bit at the end that looked like it could ruff up some clogs, bitch.

And the way my pipes go, i had to unscrew the j-pipe to get to anything cause they don't (yet) make remote control laser-eye snakes that you can tell to turn 90 degrees when they hit the joint of the Y in your double sink. So i had to get my male friend phil to come unscrew that shit cause i'm weak, and i thought the clog would be right there in the J and it wasn't. I'm all ready to be grossed out and see huge black festering pusbags and bits of bloated corn and that J-pipe.. well let me tell you: It had some CLEAN ASS WALLS.

So i took my new non-laser non-remote control snake and i jammed it up the rest of the pipe, into my walls, until the most unearthly, insufferable, WRONG smell wafted out, and soon after it, the black oil from the x-files dribbled into my bucket, and i pulled the snake out and prayed to the virgin mary to save me, and i shut that pipe up right quick and resolved to call the plumber.

But.. and here's the good part (assuming, of course, that there is one)... JUST IN CASE, i thought, JUST IN CASE that miracle foaming bleach product was not what i needed, I would go get myself some good old fashioned liquid plumr and pour it down, just in case. Let's give you a time frame here too: i've been suffering through this badly unclean sink area for probably about a month now, just trying to get past my guilt and then fit its care into my schedule and whatnot.

Anyway, I bought the liquid plumr, poured the prescribed amount into my standing clog, went to see the Virgin Suicides (thumbs up) and when i got back:

like a river flowing into the ocean, baby.

The moral of the story is: Chemicals, while they do suck, also kind of rule.

And that foaming shit is worthless. So don't buy it.

______

unrelated note number one: Trans am fucking rock, and their show here saturday blew me away, and they rock, and they're awesome. They kicked mouse on mars' ass. And i even like mouse on mars. But it had been well over a year since i'd seen trans am play and like.. i must have forgotten or something. Seb is a machine.

unrelated note number two: i am in a poetry reading at kansas tonight, and i am scared out of my fucking mind. I have not done a reading since college, and i hated them back then too. but i'm gonna do it anyway. I only have one poem written since college that's reasonable to saddle an audience with, so that's it. That and maybe one other warmed over classic from college. Fifteen minutes my aisse.